Not what you want to see in your mailbox! I sent a calendar to the Cutchogue Diner, and it was returned! RTS means "Return To Sender"-- which always sends me into a spontaneous rendition of "Return To Sender" in my best Elvis imitation. While "The King" often entertained requests for classics such as "Love Me Tender" and "A Big Hunk 'O Love," Randy Lincoln's number one request is: "Please don't try to do an Elvis impersonation!"

After checking my address (which was correct according to the Cutchogue Diner website) I'm going to try to readdress the envelope and send it again. The post office uses machines to read the envelopes these days, so I'll try a more machine friendly font, such as "Futurism."

Or possibly there is no mail delivery that far out on the east end of Long Island, especially the North Fork. I've never been out there. Do they ride horses and stuff? Has anyone ever been out there? Do they have like, regular stores? I kind of hope not. I'm picturing the old, dusty general store where you can buy a pickle out of a barrel! You would think that if the mail got close, however, they would get it to the diner even with NO address. Right?

I'm a little worried that the Cutchogue might be one of those "Virtual Diners" we've heard so much about. Or maybe we haven't heard so much about. But you heard it here first. There's a website, some reviews, a web presence, some menu pages and fake pictures... but no actual eggs and potatoes. No pancakes, no bacon, and sure as hell no coffee! No worse words have ever been uttered this early in the morning than "no coffee!" Help!